Deviant Art January 22, 2007

This weekend was alot of fun, kinda, billy thinks its funny to be a dick to me ALL the time. So i have been trying to stay away from him lately, he’s just jealous im dating his brother :-X lol im just kidding about that but he doesnt really have a reason to be a dick so i think im gonna stay away from the erieville area for a while because it seriously tires me out. There is sooo much drama there that its hard to handle. I only enjoy being around one of them ALL the time and thats Bryan.Me and Bryan (i think) are gonna have a low key valintines day and save money up for our anniversary which is coming up in march i think its a good idea, any ideas on what we should do? Hotel sounds great dont it? Other than that this weekend was the typical normal weekend, we all went bowling and went back to the boys house and drank alittle. Didnt take ANY pictures AGAIN, i keep telling myself to take more pictures but i always forget and i hate bugging people with my camera, only girls tend to like getting their picture taken and i hang out with mostly all guys who dont like being goofy especially when i will put it on my myspace but maybe i could tell them im not gonna put them on my myspace….hmmmm tricky tricky.

Speeking of pictures, I tend to look at the deviant art page alot…www.deviantart.com because i am a romancaholic and there are some wicked cute pictures of couples and it makes me sooo happy to see romantic pictures. But anyways, im big into photography and deviant art is just an awesome place to look period. I ‘m gonna show you a couple of the pictures i look at, but i seriously think you should look yourself.

Marriage January 19, 2007

marriage…any thoughts?…such a controversy, i dont even want to talk about it anymore.

fat and animals January 18, 2007

Do you ever feel like there is a big scale following you around? I was extreemly hungry tonight but i was like no i cant eat i need to loose weight, well guess what happened? Yep, i got in the car in the 10 degree outside air, drove 20 mins to taco bell and got one of those zesty chicken salads and a crunchy taco, and now i feel extreemly large, i feel like i think about how much i weigh almost as much as i think about bryan, and that wasnt meant to be romantic, that was meant to give you a mental picture about how much i think about my weight. You know when you are so in love that you dont think about anything else? Well i think about my weight as much as i think about how in love i am, thats bad. I wish there was a weight that i could just just be happy at, but if i loose weight i just want to get skinnier . I was listening to the radio today (not because i wanted to but because my mom listents to WSYR and i wake up to it every morning) but i was listening to the radio and i heard rush talking about how life is too short to worry, i keep trying to tell myself that life IS too short to worry about my weight. It doesnt seem to help.

In other news, im watching animal cops detroit and this story im watching is horrible, its soo sad how EVIL people are to their pets, and when i say EVIL i mean EVIL. I dont know if i could ever do that, i have such a tug on my heart to do things like that, but i dont think i’d have the heart to see animals actually die, i like the stories with good endings, not bad ones but i think that everyone is like that. The story im watching is about a call that the cops got for a house with a puppy in the back, the puppy was barking but after a while it stopped. The SPCA cops were called and came, the dog was so close to death that it was stiff. It looked like it was dead, but the police officer picked him up, and took him to the SPCA and they put fluids in them, i dont know yet if the dog makes it because i am in the middle of the show but i sure hope he does. Stories like this make me seriously hate the human race and make me wonder why i want to work with people. The dog lived! yay! you have no idea how happy i was, he was put into a home that had two other dogs, and he’s nice and big and healthy Animal cops can be so depressing but they always put a good story at the end, i mean, not every story has a happy ending but it deffinatly makes people happy when they see something happy rather than somthing depressing. Anyways, ill stop blabbering for your sake…

<3 La

stupid “friends” January 16, 2007

Its amazing all the time i have wasted on people who werent even my friends in the first place.  Sometimes i think its easier to just not have so many friends, because who knows who will betray you next…u know. I know thats depressing but i was looking at facebook and at all my old “Friends” from canton, and i got this huge knot in my stomach, and it made me want to puke. :-/

    

life as we know it… January 16, 2007

So sense my last post alot has happened i just dont really know what. Ever have that? When so much has happened that you dont really know where to start? Well lets see, angela and brandon came up one weekend and that was awesome, i have been getting together with all of my college buddies alot. That gets me out of the house. And i have been working a ton. Today i didnt really do anything fun but i got alot accomplished, i got things done that i have been putting off for weeks. I cleaned my rats cage and my fish bowl, i went to petco, went to work, and then went to target and got an organizer for my closet because i have way too many clothes, and a new lamp for my room because for a while i was lighting my room with candles, not because i couldnt buy a lamp or anything just because i like the mood that candles give off. So anyways yeah i went to get an organizer and a lamp and because i bought new things for my room i HAD to clean. So now you can actually see my floor, my room is really cozey and i like it and i just have to be in the mood to clean, i cant just clean, so i basically just wait for that mood and once im in it i clean everything in sight. I learned my lesson not to keep good gym pants on the floor because my rats have a playpen in the corner of my room and they stick their little paws out and grab everything that they can and chew holes in them. They are lovely pets i swear… they really teach you to keep your room clean let me tell ya. I got really mad tho because they chewed my nice fm volleyball pants and arg.

On friday I was taking my diamond neclace off that bryan bought me for my 18th birthday and the little charm fell off it, but i was in the bathroom so i figured it dropped on the floor, but i couldnt find it anywhere, i looked everywhere, but a bathroom is only soo big so i was freaking out, i took off my shirt and shook it out but there was no sign of it. I was thinking about it all weekend, about how i couldnt believe all i did was take it off and the charm was gone, welll tonight i was vaccuming my room and what did i almost suck up…but my charm, it was like halfway down the hose until i realised what i did and flung the hose around and it just popped out, i was sooo psyched, now i could finally stop punching myself. So thats the exciting story of the day… ill be sure to write sometime soon, i wont wait like a month

New Years. January 3, 2007

I dont know about anyone elses new years but mine was a blast, in fact i am pretty sure that i havent had that much fun sense my first semester of college. You know how people sometimes say that the happiness of another person is what really makes you happy? Well i think that is true, this weekend i took Bryan to Johnstown with me and he saw angela again (my friend from college) and she had a new years party . I think thats the most fun ive seen bryan have with other people lol. There was a TON of alcohol and this one kid (also named bryan) wanted bryan to shotgun with him and then to funnel, the kid was doing it the whole time and bryan kept on being like “no no no i dont want to puke my guts out” and the other kid was like “oh you wont” well guess who was puking his brains out at the end of the night… ill give you a hint…it was bryan…my bryan that is . It was good to get away from syracuse even for a day, its like a breath of fresh air leaving here. Thats why i think i wasnt ment to live here in the first place. Its not the people, its the weather. The weather sucks and it makes me sooo depressed sometimes, i hate it. Have you noticed that most of my blogs (idk about anyone elses) but all my blogs are all sad and depressing? I think its because blogging is my way of venting, and why vent if you have had a good day right? Its only when somthing really pisses me off, or really makes me sad. So i thought for a change i would post somthing positive and upbeat. I am going to show you some pictures of my fun weekend . One sad thing that i did think about his weekend although was how on one of my most recent new years with Joe, his uncle made me kiss him in front of their whole family, and i was scared, so i gave him like a peck on the lips. If we were dating now, I would have totally shown off and kissed him so much… they would have needed to ask me to stop… oh boy would there have been a smooch . Ahhh the memories.

but anyways…here are some pictures of this weekend

Bryan 1 and Bryan 2

so much for friends. December 30, 2006

Just for the record and because i am pissed off right now, i want to talk about obsessive girlfriends, im sure you all know what i mean. They just HAVE to post all over their boyfriends myspace and facebook, so much in fact that there are no messages from anyone else on there. And if a girl tags them in a picture, oh god its the end of the world. Just for the record, i HATE jessie may, yes i hate her first of all her name sounds like a freaking little house on the prairie name, plus, I hate the fact that she has such a problem with me even writing Merry Christmas on jeremys myspace, its fucking rediculous. I also dont care if everyone reads this cause its exactly how i feel. So if you read this jess, just know that i seriously wouldnt mind if you got run over by a truck and died, you are an overpossesive bitch and a loser, and if you are insecure about your relationship with your boyfriend, i would break up with him. Who wants a guy that you have to worry about constantly. Who cares if you have a freaking ring on your finger, doesnt mean that he isnt somewhere banging some hott chich he met at the bowling alley, youre retarded for dating anyone who you mistrust anyways. Stupid bitch. gah. And Jeremy, if you really thought our frienship was somthing like you said it was in college, than you would tell her that its not like that, and you wouldnt take somthing as simple as MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS off your myspace. Fight her about it, i cant tell you how many girlfriends you had at school who were not as fucking rediculous. Anyways, im gonna go and scream in a pillow right now. You are a horrible friend. Actually im not surprised, friends havent proved themselves lately, they all leave you in the end anyways, there is no point in making friends, its just a fucking heartache waiting to happen

.

post secret. December 23, 2006

I thought it was relevant.

living with a broken soul. December 21, 2006

Hatred surrounds me wherever I go
all my hope is lost from your little show
Hatred for all things mostly for trust
the evil keeps lurking and hides where it must
Each shread of dignity falls piece by piece
chemical substances are my release
It seems rape is accepted, the victim is wrong
trying to change your mind just takes to damn long
I just try not to think about whats going on
We use violence to fight for a violated person
a victim, a survivor, a liar, a whore
I am sick of these words I have heard all before
I respect those who care for my life more than me
they do what they can to get me to be free
To fight violence with violence just doesn’t seem right
though I may be wrong I think this late at night
I am hopelessly trying to make sense of my thoughts
there is nothing to do but you keep doing lots
I just go with the flow and hope for the day
when my memories are erased of when he had his way
You’ve all had your say and you’ve said it out loud
I’m a whore
I’m a slut
I deserved what I got
I wanted it more than anything else
I lie
I’m diseased
I could have fought back
I’m stronger than him, that rapist named Matt

These are things you have all heard before

i dont even know why i bother writing anymore…

Bookage. December 19, 2006

I know this sounds very random for me to do….but i have decided to write a book. Actually i have had it in my head for quite a while and i really think i can write one. I love to write/type and i type exactly how i talk and i think books are interresting if you feel like you’re not actually reading, and feel like you’re living. So from now till whenever i am done, i’m going to write a book. About what you ask? About love. A book about a girls inside thoughts on love. I dont really care if its published someday or not, i guess that classifies whether or not its a “book” or not but i dont care. I originally thought about writing a book while i was writing a paper one day. I noticed that no matter how hard i tried to fit in these huge words from a thesorous (if i write a book i deffinatly have to know how to spell and punctuate by the way) that i found myself being pulled to write with the words i know, not words from some fancy smancy dictionary or thesorous, and i wanted to write without having any agenda to fill or length to write. I normally either go way over the expected length or way under. I want it to be just right, and the only way to do that is to have my own agenda. So writing a book is such a wonderful idea to me. I believe im going to use actual quotes from my own journals starting from when i was 8 and had my first journal and had a very wierd outlook on love, till now (not that i know what love is) but maybe by writing this book i will be able to find out without even realising it. A book to me is like entering the authors soul, its the author giving you a huge piece of her heart and hoping that you learn from it. You dont even have to take the book literally to learn from it, thats what i like about reading. You take what you get out of it, and everyone takes things different ways. I could read the bible in a totally different way than my sister, or my best friend. Its all in how we grew up and how we were taught. Anyways, enough jabber, I have got to go to bed. Until next time…goodbye.