Sometimes i think…
lost January 24, 2007
I really want to just sit here and vent tonight but im not really sure what i want to say. Just because i have so many things running through my head righ tnow. Me and Emily had a talk online tonight because emily has dated billy and i have dated bryan and they are both twins so we figured that we could help each other. I think it may work but we are gonna sleep on it and talk about it tomarrow. You see the problem is is that they always think that they are right. And when they start to think they are right they go to their father and he tells them that they are right whether they are right or not and that doesnt help at all. His dad makes every girl out to be a wicked caniving little bitch and they say that he doesnt do that alot or do that purposely but they never ever apalogise so i take that as they alwayss think that they are doing is right because their dad never tells them that they are wrong. They dont know how to treat girls. Their mom (no exaggeration here) is a crazy psycho. So it makes it kinda obvious that their dad would hate relationships let alone his sons being in one. His dad says that all women hate them working on cars and basically makes us look like these horrible people. When i tell bryan that i want to spend time with him instead of him working on his truck, his dad will say somthing like “all women are the same….they want you to stay out of the garage and dote on them” their dad really is nuts too now that im writing all of this down. I was just thinking that i want people to read this journal but i guess if you dont read this section because its too long that thats ok because i hate bitching, its just that sometimes i have to. I dont like bitching to bryan because he always says that im picking on him and i get nothing accomplished. I litterally get NOTHING accomplished, which isnt good because a HUGE thing in a relationship is communication and if you cant communicate, you might as well break it off because you wont work anything out. Every time me and bryan get into an arguement he will either tell me that im right to just not argue anymore (which doesnt help) OR he will run away to his dads for the weekend and not call me at all until one of us breaks. And if we ever break up he always calls me a week later to say he wants to go out to eat or he misses me or somthing. Which missing me is one thing, but needing me is another. Im ready to either be single and meet other people, or seriously get this boy figured out because i cant do this anymore. There are so many problems that i have with him its just that idk if i can confront him about them because it doesnt help, it seems to make it worse. Any thoughts? If you have any that would really help, i need advice because im literally stuck. 
” If you do not give right attention to the one you love, it is a kind of killing. When you are in the car together, if you are lost in your thoughts, assuming you already know everything about her, she will slowly die.”
- Thich Nbat Hanb
My future January 23, 2007
You know what i love about my job? I love how whenever i leave i feel like i did somthing right. Every time im there with her she will laugh and giggle and ring bells to the music we play. Even reading books to her makes her happy. i always knew that i wanted to work with kids ever sense i went to poland. All the children there, and i barely did anything to make them like me. They loved me for no reason, when i left there were so many tears and so many children saying that they wanted me to stay and be with them. They gave me cute little stuffed animals that were prolly the only ones that they had. I remember crying so badly that i felt sick because i knew that if i ever wanted to go back it would be forever away. Looking back it almost seems like a dream to me, a dream where you dont want to wake up. A dream where when you wake up you want to go back to sleep. I remember crying myself to sleep that night wishing that i could do that for the rest of my life, making a child who has never really felt loved in their life, feel loved. When you are changing the life of a child, you are changing our future as a human race. Thats what makes me happy, i used to wonder why teachers wanted to teach kids, but i get it now. If you want to know the future of our world, know its children, makes perfect sense to me. And thats exactly why i want to be a Occupational therapist/social worker.
Deviant Art January 22, 2007
This weekend was alot of fun, kinda, billy thinks its funny to be a dick to me ALL the time. So i have been trying to stay away from him lately, he’s just jealous im dating his brother :-X lol im just kidding about that but he doesnt really have a reason to be a dick so i think im gonna stay away from the erieville area for a while because it seriously tires me out. There is sooo much drama there that its hard to handle. I only enjoy being around one of them ALL the time and thats Bryan.Me and Bryan (i think) are gonna have a low key valintines day and save money up for our anniversary which is coming up in march 
i think its a good idea, any ideas on what we should do? Hotel sounds great dont it? Other than that this weekend was the typical normal weekend, we all went bowling and went back to the boys house and drank alittle. Didnt take ANY pictures AGAIN, i keep telling myself to take more pictures but i always forget and i hate bugging people with my camera, only girls tend to like getting their picture taken and i hang out with mostly all guys who dont like being goofy especially when i will put it on my myspace 
but maybe i could tell them im not gonna put them on my myspace….hmmmm tricky tricky.
Speeking of pictures, I tend to look at the deviant art page alot…www.deviantart.com because i am a romancaholic and there are some wicked cute pictures of couples and it makes me sooo happy to see romantic pictures. But anyways, im big into photography and deviant art is just an awesome place to look period. I ‘m gonna show you a couple of the pictures i look at, but i seriously think you should look yourself.
Marriage January 19, 2007
marriage…any thoughts?…such a controversy, i dont even want to talk about it anymore.
fat and animals January 18, 2007
Do you ever feel like there is a big scale following you around? I was extreemly hungry tonight but i was like no i cant eat i need to loose weight, well guess what happened? Yep, i got in the car in the 10 degree outside air, drove 20 mins to taco bell and got one of those zesty chicken salads and a crunchy taco, and now i feel extreemly large, i feel like i think about how much i weigh almost as much as i think about bryan, and that wasnt meant to be romantic, that was meant to give you a mental picture about how much i think about my weight. You know when you are so in love that you dont think about anything else? Well i think about my weight as much as i think about how in love i am, thats bad. I wish there was a weight that i could just just be happy at, but if i loose weight i just want to get skinnier . I was listening to the radio today (not because i wanted to but because my mom listents to WSYR and i wake up to it every morning) but i was listening to the radio and i heard rush talking about how life is too short to worry, i keep trying to tell myself that life IS too short to worry about my weight. It doesnt seem to help.
In other news, im watching animal cops detroit and this story im watching is horrible, its soo sad how EVIL people are to their pets, and when i say EVIL i mean EVIL. I dont know if i could ever do that, i have such a tug on my heart to do things like that, but i dont think i’d have the heart to see animals actually die, i like the stories with good endings, not bad ones but i think that everyone is like that. The story im watching is about a call that the cops got for a house with a puppy in the back, the puppy was barking but after a while it stopped. The SPCA cops were called and came, the dog was so close to death that it was stiff. It looked like it was dead, but the police officer picked him up, and took him to the SPCA and they put fluids in them, i dont know yet if the dog makes it because i am in the middle of the show but i sure hope he does. Stories like this make me seriously hate the human race and make me wonder why i want to work with people. The dog lived! yay! you have no idea how happy i was, he was put into a home that had two other dogs, and he’s nice and big and healthy Animal cops can be so depressing but they always put a good story at the end, i mean, not every story has a happy ending but it deffinatly makes people happy when they see something happy rather than somthing depressing. Anyways, ill stop blabbering for your sake…
<3 La
stupid “friends” January 16, 2007
Its amazing all the time i have wasted on people who werent even my friends in the first place. Sometimes i think its easier to just not have so many friends, because who knows who will betray you next…u know. I know thats depressing but i was looking at facebook and at all my old “Friends” from canton, and i got this huge knot in my stomach, and it made me want to puke. :-/
life as we know it… January 16, 2007
So sense my last post alot has happened i just dont really know what. Ever have that? When so much has happened that you dont really know where to start? Well lets see, angela and brandon came up one weekend and that was awesome, i have been getting together with all of my college buddies alot. That gets me out of the house. And i have been working a ton. Today i didnt really do anything fun but i got alot accomplished, i got things done that i have been putting off for weeks. I cleaned my rats cage and my fish bowl, i went to petco, went to work, and then went to target and got an organizer for my closet because i have way too many clothes, and a new lamp for my room because for a while i was lighting my room with candles, not because i couldnt buy a lamp or anything just because i like the mood that candles give off. So anyways yeah i went to get an organizer and a lamp and because i bought new things for my room i HAD to clean. So now you can actually see my floor, my room is really cozey and i like it and i just have to be in the mood to clean, i cant just clean, so i basically just wait for that mood and once im in it i clean everything in sight. I learned my lesson not to keep good gym pants on the floor because my rats have a playpen in the corner of my room and they stick their little paws out and grab everything that they can and chew holes in them. They are lovely pets i swear… they really teach you to keep your room clean let me tell ya. I got really mad tho because they chewed my nice fm volleyball pants and arg.
On friday I was taking my diamond neclace off that bryan bought me for my 18th birthday and the little charm fell off it, but i was in the bathroom so i figured it dropped on the floor, but i couldnt find it anywhere, i looked everywhere, but a bathroom is only soo big so i was freaking out, i took off my shirt and shook it out but there was no sign of it. I was thinking about it all weekend, about how i couldnt believe all i did was take it off and the charm was gone, welll tonight i was vaccuming my room and what did i almost suck up…but my charm, it was like halfway down the hose until i realised what i did and flung the hose around and it just popped out, i was sooo psyched, now i could finally stop punching myself. So thats the exciting story of the day… ill be sure to write sometime soon, i wont wait like a month 
New Years. January 3, 2007
I dont know about anyone elses new years but mine was a blast, in fact i am pretty sure that i havent had that much fun sense my first semester of college. You know how people sometimes say that the happiness of another person is what really makes you happy? Well i think that is true, this weekend i took Bryan to Johnstown with me and he saw angela again (my friend from college) and she had a new years party . I think thats the most fun ive seen bryan have with other people lol. There was a TON of alcohol and this one kid (also named bryan) wanted bryan to shotgun with him and then to funnel, the kid was doing it the whole time and bryan kept on being like “no no no i dont want to puke my guts out” and the other kid was like “oh you wont” well guess who was puking his brains out at the end of the night… ill give you a hint…it was bryan…my bryan that is . It was good to get away from syracuse even for a day, its like a breath of fresh air leaving here. Thats why i think i wasnt ment to live here in the first place. Its not the people, its the weather. The weather sucks and it makes me sooo depressed sometimes, i hate it. Have you noticed that most of my blogs (idk about anyone elses) but all my blogs are all sad and depressing? I think its because blogging is my way of venting, and why vent if you have had a good day right? Its only when somthing really pisses me off, or really makes me sad. So i thought for a change i would post somthing positive and upbeat. I am going to show you some pictures of my fun weekend . One sad thing that i did think about his weekend although was how on one of my most recent new years with Joe, his uncle made me kiss him in front of their whole family, and i was scared, so i gave him like a peck on the lips. If we were dating now, I would have totally shown off and kissed him so much… they would have needed to ask me to stop… oh boy would there have been a smooch . Ahhh the memories.
but anyways…here are some pictures of this weekend
Bryan 1 and Bryan 2
