so much for friends. December 30, 2006

Just for the record and because i am pissed off right now, i want to talk about obsessive girlfriends, im sure you all know what i mean. They just HAVE to post all over their boyfriends myspace and facebook, so much in fact that there are no messages from anyone else on there. And if a girl tags them in a picture, oh god its the end of the world. Just for the record, i HATE jessie may, yes i hate her first of all her name sounds like a freaking little house on the prairie name, plus, I hate the fact that she has such a problem with me even writing Merry Christmas on jeremys myspace, its fucking rediculous. I also dont care if everyone reads this cause its exactly how i feel. So if you read this jess, just know that i seriously wouldnt mind if you got run over by a truck and died, you are an overpossesive bitch and a loser, and if you are insecure about your relationship with your boyfriend, i would break up with him. Who wants a guy that you have to worry about constantly. Who cares if you have a freaking ring on your finger, doesnt mean that he isnt somewhere banging some hott chich he met at the bowling alley, youre retarded for dating anyone who you mistrust anyways. Stupid bitch. gah. And Jeremy, if you really thought our frienship was somthing like you said it was in college, than you would tell her that its not like that, and you wouldnt take somthing as simple as MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS off your myspace. Fight her about it, i cant tell you how many girlfriends you had at school who were not as fucking rediculous. Anyways, im gonna go and scream in a pillow right now. You are a horrible friend. Actually im not surprised, friends havent proved themselves lately, they all leave you in the end anyways, there is no point in making friends, its just a fucking heartache waiting to happen

.

post secret. December 23, 2006

I thought it was relevant.

living with a broken soul. December 21, 2006

Hatred surrounds me wherever I go
all my hope is lost from your little show
Hatred for all things mostly for trust
the evil keeps lurking and hides where it must
Each shread of dignity falls piece by piece
chemical substances are my release
It seems rape is accepted, the victim is wrong
trying to change your mind just takes to damn long
I just try not to think about whats going on
We use violence to fight for a violated person
a victim, a survivor, a liar, a whore
I am sick of these words I have heard all before
I respect those who care for my life more than me
they do what they can to get me to be free
To fight violence with violence just doesn’t seem right
though I may be wrong I think this late at night
I am hopelessly trying to make sense of my thoughts
there is nothing to do but you keep doing lots
I just go with the flow and hope for the day
when my memories are erased of when he had his way
You’ve all had your say and you’ve said it out loud
I’m a whore
I’m a slut
I deserved what I got
I wanted it more than anything else
I lie
I’m diseased
I could have fought back
I’m stronger than him, that rapist named Matt

These are things you have all heard before

i dont even know why i bother writing anymore…

Bookage. December 19, 2006

I know this sounds very random for me to do….but i have decided to write a book. Actually i have had it in my head for quite a while and i really think i can write one. I love to write/type and i type exactly how i talk and i think books are interresting if you feel like you’re not actually reading, and feel like you’re living. So from now till whenever i am done, i’m going to write a book. About what you ask? About love. A book about a girls inside thoughts on love. I dont really care if its published someday or not, i guess that classifies whether or not its a “book” or not but i dont care. I originally thought about writing a book while i was writing a paper one day. I noticed that no matter how hard i tried to fit in these huge words from a thesorous (if i write a book i deffinatly have to know how to spell and punctuate by the way) that i found myself being pulled to write with the words i know, not words from some fancy smancy dictionary or thesorous, and i wanted to write without having any agenda to fill or length to write. I normally either go way over the expected length or way under. I want it to be just right, and the only way to do that is to have my own agenda. So writing a book is such a wonderful idea to me. I believe im going to use actual quotes from my own journals starting from when i was 8 and had my first journal and had a very wierd outlook on love, till now (not that i know what love is) but maybe by writing this book i will be able to find out without even realising it. A book to me is like entering the authors soul, its the author giving you a huge piece of her heart and hoping that you learn from it. You dont even have to take the book literally to learn from it, thats what i like about reading. You take what you get out of it, and everyone takes things different ways. I could read the bible in a totally different way than my sister, or my best friend. Its all in how we grew up and how we were taught. Anyways, enough jabber, I have got to go to bed. Until next time…goodbye.

I’m better off without you. December 18, 2006

I’m better off without you
Except for when I sleep
I’m better off without you
Besides the time I breathe
I keep telling myself
Maybe one day I’ll believe
That Im better off without you

A Christmas Carol December 18, 2006

So i have been kinda sick lately, not really myself, i have these damn bumps and then i have a sinus infection, and they tested me for mono but hopefully i don’t have that cause that would suck. This weekend was kinda lame, i just sat in bed all day and ate soup and did nothing really. Although i did watch a lot of Disney/pixar movies, lets see, frightful goes west, monster house, emperors new groove, and then i watched a bunch of freaks and geeks. Friday night me and my sister attempted (key word attempted) to put up christmas lights outside, but what we didnt know is that if you string more than 3 light strands together you normally blow a fuse (thank you billy) so so much for impressing my dad with our extreeme light show, sometimes i feel like a little kid, trying to do stuff to make my dad proud, and then in some way i just end up screwing everything up and looking like an idiot. Afterwards we were really depressed about the lights not working so we went to dunkin dohnuts and i got a smoothie (when it was 30 decrees outside) basically the degree of my smoothie. Then came home to watch a movie but our tv was being gay so we ended up watching like 50 bazillion episodes of Next until like 3 in the morning. What a wonderful friday it was….. It would be nice if they freaking worked! (talking about the lights makes me angry) . Lynda got home Thursday so on Saturday night i went over to her house and ate….u guessed it, more chicken noodle soup…ugh. We watched that new movie “Accepted” about the dude that makes up a college cause he didnt get into any good ones, reminds me of myself except canton really does exist (lol no pun intended) Today me and my sister and my mom and bryan went to skinneatles to see the reenactment of “a Christmas Carrol”. You know what I’m talking about, Mr Scrooge with tiny Tim and the ghost of the past…etc and i mean i guess you could say it was that but they didn’t reenact the story they just all dressed up in costumes and put on fake accents and went out and talked to people. The Christmas carol is a lovely story, you learn alot from it, even watching it when i was little i learned a lesson, whatever version you have seen. Ive seen muppets christmas carol, and disney christmas carol with mickey mouse, and the regular one thats like 30 years old. I loved the christmas carol growing up, and it did remind me of the town in the movies which was good.My favorite part was the bag pipes, actually, if i go anywhere and bagpipes are there that is ALWAYS my favorite part. They are just so soothing and *sigh* i could of just fallen asleep on the sidewalk if it wasn’t raining, and if no one would trample me. So yeah my weekend was kinda uneventful, i was invited to a few parties but didnt want to go because i felt shitty, so i just stayed home and did family things.

today. December 12, 2006

Today was a wierd day…well not really a wierd day but i just wasnt myself all day long. I really havent been myself lately quite frankly. It kinda scares me, it scared me last night because i took a really long drive and got lost and then finally figured out where i was and wasted basically a half a tank of gas, but the best songs came on the radio, so i felt like i was ment to take a drive. I will put some of the song lyrics that i heard on my drive on here because seriously like the radio played every song for me last night. Kara has been in the hospital and normally when im upset and need to bitch i just go to her house and eat popcorn and twizzlers and watch a movie or somthing but she’s been sick so i havent been able to talk to her. Bryan, thats another story, he says he will be there for me but he never seems to make the effort, i guess im just missing the stuff that joe used to fill, the “voids” as joe would say. I want to have that “im so happy to be alive” mentality that i had like a year ago, where everything was wonderful, and i could just smile and not worry about anything and be happy about everything. Perhaps its this weather, they say that the sun really makes people feel happy, i really think i should move to a sunny place like florida cause i hate the weather here. One good thing about tonight or today or whatever is that we are putting up the christmas tree. Thats one thing we actually do together and not get mad at each other and just put the lights up and take the old ornaments out and be like “oh remember when you made this….u were like two and i remember u were more interrested in eating the glue than actually making the ornament” or “remember this one? this is the one the dog swallowed and through back up again and we STILL use it as a christmas ornament” lol im just kidding that never happened, but its just that we always talk about the memories that go along with each ornament and it makes me miss being little. Not just being little but not needing to worry about boys or paying the bills or who said this and who said that. The time where if you got a scratch you would go getting the frozen blue bunny out of the freezer and put it on your knee and you were instantly better *sigh* i miss those days.

(lyrics from the car drive)

Woke up this morning and saw your face
And you didn’t look the same as yesterday.
I got the feeling that you can’t seem to see,
What you want to be.
And lately it ain’t been the same at all.
When you’re here its like I’m invisable
I still can’t seem to see where I went wrong.
Cuz I’m feeling

I’m feeling really unappreciated.
You takin` my love for granted, babe.
I don’t know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don’t do the things you use to do.
You don’t even say I love you too.
and lately I’ve been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

Lately our house is not a home
You come in, take a shower and then say I’m gone.
what am I to do
When my heart says leave
But my feet won’t move
And today is our anniversary
And you haven’t even say two words to me
I’m trying hard to give you another chance

Me and brina are funny….:-) December 12, 2006

offmycloud18: i seriously am bipolar…i just took an online test lol
FlybydaCuff16: dont believe online
FlybydaCuff16: it fucks with your brain
FlybydaCuff16: heck i have cancer
offmycloud18: haha what?
offmycloud18: oo your spots?
FlybydaCuff16: yep
FlybydaCuff16: i have cancer
offmycloud18: nice
FlybydaCuff16: according to online
offmycloud18: so you have cancer and ill be bipolar and we can live on a goat farm and make cheese
offmycloud18: sound good?
FlybydaCuff16: lol
FlybydaCuff16: profile statement!
offmycloud18: haha
FlybydaCuff16: its a date
offmycloud18: whatever happened to ragel bagles?
FlybydaCuff16: oh yeah
FlybydaCuff16: damn
offmycloud18: bagels…if i could spell
offmycloud18: haha
FlybydaCuff16: not enough room for such nonsense
offmycloud18: haha
offmycloud18: we are awesome
offmycloud18: screw boys and stupidness
FlybydaCuff16: amen
FlybydaCuff16: preach it sister
offmycloud18: haha i feel like a babtist…lol
offmycloud18:  little miss hott doctor -i like this bit…lol
FlybydaCuff16: lol seriously
FlybydaCuff16: everyone was like “where’s brina?”
offmycloud18:  see i missed that
offmycloud18:  i was always off helping one or the other
FlybydaCuff16: well kids last time i saw her i stuck a passafire in her mouth
FlybydaCuff16: seriously kids!
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  i just idk…thats me…i have to make sure everyone in my environment is safe
offmycloud18:  which doesnt make any since why sometimes im not…
offmycloud18:  but hell it happens…
FlybydaCuff16: now you sounds like smokey the bear
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: i just have to make sure that everyone in my environment is safe *growl*
FlybydaCuff16: well sometimes your just too drunk to notice i guess
FlybydaCuff16: lol like the other night
offmycloud18:  oops
FlybydaCuff16: i could of been dieing of a heart attack and you would of been like “i love ryan! yay!
FlybydaCuff16: lol
offmycloud18:  hey i tried very hard inbetween making out….oops…to make you come home with me!!!
offmycloud18:  gee thanks
FlybydaCuff16: im just kidding!
FlybydaCuff16: lol
FlybydaCuff16: im laughing so hard right now
offmycloud18:  haha nice
offmycloud18:  its good to make you laugh1!!
offmycloud18:  your so cute when you do!!! lol jk well not…but also not trying to sound like a lesbo…which after friday i am clearly not…or i pretend well…im gonna shut up now
FlybydaCuff16: lol you better
FlybydaCuff16: your getting a little too ahead of yourself
FlybydaCuff16: and im kinda getting turned on
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: and its making me feel uncomfortable
FlybydaCuff16: wow now i gotta shut up
offmycloud18:  yes yes you do
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  and now im laughing very hard
FlybydaCuff16: lol your soo cute when you do :-*
FlybydaCuff16: i just totally stole your line
offmycloud18:  yeah ya did…
offmycloud18:  well “i’ve got a secret for you…come here”
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: lol
FlybydaCuff16: niiiice
offmycloud18:  i cant believe i fell for that
FlybydaCuff16: that was cute
offmycloud18:  and it worked soooo well
FlybydaCuff16: i know!
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: i think it was his eyes
FlybydaCuff16: idk that would have been it for me had i been single
offmycloud18:  def they were like hynotizing me
FlybydaCuff16: hypnotizing?
offmycloud18:  hypnotizing* still wrong but closer
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  yeah
FlybydaCuff16: well ya know
offmycloud18:  you know what i mean!!!
FlybydaCuff16: im not a dictionary
offmycloud18:  me neither
offmycloud18:  but i have one
FlybydaCuff16:
FlybydaCuff16: oh you have a dictionary alright :-*
FlybydaCuff16: :-X
FlybydaCuff16: i tried to make that sound sexy
offmycloud18:  ooo man why did i let things get to me…why couldnt i have endded the weekend like this…i really am sorry laura…
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  you did good…kudos…to you-dos…haha
offmycloud18:  idk im a dork
FlybydaCuff16: no its ok
FlybydaCuff16: lol yeah you are
FlybydaCuff16: not gonna lie
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  thanks
FlybydaCuff16: a very cute dork
FlybydaCuff16: :-*
FlybydaCuff16: ahhh lesbo talk again
offmycloud18:  awwww i like that! dont stop…
offmycloud18:  hahaha
FlybydaCuff16: ooooo lala
offmycloud18:  hey we are talking about a goat farm here…what do you think is gonna happen there? we’re going to keep the men outside in pens…no lesbo action…haha…but everyone will wonder…cause where do you get a permit to own a man?
offmycloud18:  ooo right its called marriage…
offmycloud18:  all that sounded good in my head…but im not sure it came out right
FlybydaCuff16: aaaaaaahahahhahah
FlybydaCuff16: no it did
FlybydaCuff16: that was awesome
offmycloud18:  ok good
FlybydaCuff16: profile!
FlybydaCuff16: damn
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: this is getting to be too much
FlybydaCuff16: i should just put this in my journal
offmycloud18:  i was just gonna say tha
offmycloud18:  t
FlybydaCuff16: oh its goin!
offmycloud18:  haha
offmycloud18:  woooooo hoooo
offmycloud18:  next semester we have to do this more…and ill be on drugs…so i wont be so crazy…hows that sound?
FlybydaCuff16: drugs with alcohol?
offmycloud18:  omg i should so be studying right now…ick blah gross….
FlybydaCuff16: might make you even more crazy
FlybydaCuff16: i know
FlybydaCuff16: me too
FlybydaCuff16: *spits*
FlybydaCuff16: i hate homework
offmycloud18:  well we shall test it
offmycloud18:  me tooo!!!
FlybydaCuff16: im writing an 8 page paper
FlybydaCuff16: due tomarrow!
FlybydaCuff16: yikes!
offmycloud18:  homework bites…i wish we could keep it out back in a pen as well
offmycloud18:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FlybydaCuff16: lol
FlybydaCuff16: ahhhhhhhhhhhh
offmycloud18:  there i screamed for you tooo
FlybydaCuff16: :-*

FlybydaCuff16: ill talk to you later buttermuffin
offmycloud18:  haha
FlybydaCuff16: :-*
FlybydaCuff16: butter bagel?
FlybydaCuff16: idk
offmycloud18:  ooo see ya later squish mitten!!!

she makes all my sadness about boys go away

Suny Compton December 11, 2006

   

This weekend was totally nuts! On friday night me, brina, kim, dave, chris, nicole?, adam, and tiffany all went to a strip club in canada, wich sucked monkey balls just to let everyone know… who wants to see a fat chick dance? fat guys right? well there were no fat guys there, hense why i have such a big problem with this. After the strip club we went to this other bar across the way and of course they had a live band playing which was CRAZY! We all danced, and acted all goofy and got really hott and bothered (ooo lala) we also tried to do that line dance thing, but idk about the rest of the girls but im not cordinated for shit so that didnt really work out too well. Afterwards we went to the DK house, my favorite frat house in canton because all the boys are awesome, and one of my good friends kelly is dating the president Jeff. So me and brina get there right, and its when all the people except for the greek people are leaving. I was like WTF?! i didnt really go to drink i went there to see everyone, but one of the girls was giving me a hard time and eventually she left (thank god) otherwise i prolly would of had my ass kicked, like that girl could of squashed me….yes yes i know im a pussy. So anyways on with my story. At the frat house i saw franklin (my favorite) kurt, jeff (of course), toney (yayo), marco(rat) Justin Lennon (idk why everyone uses his last name) and i met this cute kid named ryan but him and brina liked each other so i stayed away. ANYWAYS they were all there and it was fun and i left at like 5:30 and guess where i go next… you guessed it! Ian Vaniers apartment which is always fun, i love this kid by the way. He’s all that a girl could want, he can cook, his apartment is always spotless, he plays hockey (starts to melt)  and he is incredibly good looking, quite frankly i dont know why he doesnt have a girlfriend by now. He let me spend the night or morning rather at his apartmet, sadly he had to leave at 6:15am to go to a hockey game . Saturday night i went to Joes (little joe) as i call him. He lives in De Kalb like 20 mins from canton prolly not even and i went there with Brina. This one girl was not looking so hott so of course Brina had to go and be little miss hott doctor because he x boyfriend was an EMT she kinda knew, actually she did know what she was doing. And everyone was like “Where’s brina?!” and it was kinda funny. Brina is miss mom, if you ever meet her she calls everyone sweetie and says that she loves everyone and wants everyone to be safe….lol she’s such a fucking mom. So we went to joe’s party and it was o.k. besides the fact that i didnt know anyone there, the only one i knew was brina and she was off being miss doctor. So saturday night nothing that exciting happened, brina kinda drove home alittle dizzy which wasnt THAT smart but i really didnt want to spend the night with a whole bunch of strangers, and joe was off being mr social man so i doubt i would of seen much of him anyways if i stayed. Sunday we just kinda chilled around the room, brina studied kinda, we went to dinner and saw the boy she was fond of and there was a lot of awkwardness, i deffinatly was feeling it, i tried to be funny and make it as less awkward as possible but it didnt really work (sorry brina teehee).

Now here is the best  part of the whole damn weekend, i got to see my favorite Justin Gilbizzo!!! I went to his room at around idk maybe 7 and stayed there until like 2 in the mourning, just chit chatting, we watched lord of the rings, nip tuck, and this show about this scrawny little white skater dude and this huge black guy, i just cant remember the name. But it was fucking halarious, I even forgot the dogs name, and he was my favorite. I love justin, he’s such a crazy kid. He has this obsession with boobs tho, i guess every guy is somthing. There are butt guys, boob guys, leg guys, lip guys….elbo guys? lol anyways all types of guys, its the same with girls but with justin its obvious he likes boobs….oh yeah! cause we were watching chucky and was like “i like this part you get to see the dolls boobs” i just rolled my eyes. He’s such a goofball, i miss him already.

But anyways, my weekend was all sorts of fun, except the begining of it kinda sucked cause i was supposed to ride with ashley and then i missed her call and oh god, but other than that the weekend was crazy good, and i love and miss all of my friends already!

p.s This is what the alphabet would look like if Q and R werent there (and if you dont get it, its ok because i didnt either when Ben sent it to me lol )

Its like a drug withdrawl (as kara would say) December 8, 2006

Yes its me again, and yes i know this is like my third post today but i havent gotten over this whole blog thing, i can write what im feeling when i want. Its crazy! Me and kara went to applebee’s in this crazy weather tonight and it was awesome. We had this apple crisp stuff that was amazazing and i thought i had a good night. Then i got home, and when i would normally call joe to talk or to see what he was doing, i had to sit at my computer and read his away message. This seriously sucks. I want whats best for him i really do but taking him out of my life completely is like whoa now. Let me give an example. Ok i got one…a drug addiction, im going through withdrawl, joe withdrawl. Let me explain to you what joe withdrawl is, its like half of my brain is used to think about joe. It like having a craving to go to starbucks and halfway dialing his number and being like ” oh shit i cant do that!” its like eating a grilled cheeze sandwich, which makes me think of the movie love and sex which is a movie i watched with him where the guy talks about love and how it doesnt mean anything and how he could just say ” i cheese sandwich you” instead of “i love you and it would mean the same thing. I cheese sandwich this kid so much that all i want to eat is grilled cheese! Is this some sign that God is throwing in front of my face and im not getting it? Im pretty stupid not to take this as a sign that maybe, just maybe im with the wrong person. I am scared shitless to think like this, but maybe me and joe were meant to be together and i just completley ruined it. Its gone, goodbye,sianara, see you later, adios gone! gone gone gone gone gone. I want to talk about how my life is fine without him and how i dont feel any emotions for the kid at all but i would be lieing, i would be a liar. I dont know how to explain this feeling. Am i in love with Joseph Albert Pfohl? my best friend? Its too late, i ruined it, its over. Poof its gone. And between now and when i wake up in the morning i will have thought about him probably for at least half the night and then some. So now, sense i ruined it. I have to do what i should do, and try to work out things with the person im with because its not like i cant love him too. He’s amazing at times, and i want to kill him at times but i’d do that with anyone in any relationship. He’s starting to try and sacrifice more, and he apalogises more, and he’s just making more of an effort to want to be in a relationship with me. I have to give him credit for trying. He loves me, he loves me alot. I could have a boyfriend that goes of and cheats with other girls, or goes out on the weekends (like i do) and dances with random chicks but i dont, i should be greatful for the things that i do have rather than just being ungreatful period. I need to think of my relationship with him not as a chore but somthing i want to do, somthing that i love to do because i love him. Im not going to let this falling out with me and joe (even if im hurt) effect everything i do and every one i am friends with now. If its meant to be, than it will be, and i shouldnt have to worry about it. So this is my last and final entry of the day, im going to bed now and hopefully i let my brain completely rest for a bit and get a good nights sleep because IM GOING TO CANTON TOMARROW!!!!

<3 Laura